“May you have the courage to listen to the voice of desire that disturbs you when you have settled for something safe.”
-John O’Donohue, To Bless the Space Between Us: A Book of Blessings
I am very thankful for life’s gentle lessons, and I imagine you may be as well. Somewhere in my 40’s, I noticed the hardships and challenges I faced began to feel less chaotic. Have you noticed that in your own life the older you get? Maybe it’s just the gift of time and naturally learning how to respond to situations that are still quite hectic! I’ve thought about this in recent years and although I’m the kind of person who is curious about these things, wanting to understand why they happen the way they do, when it comes to this shift in ease, I prefer to just be thankful. What is it they say, count your blessings, don’t question them. Nevertheless, I still thought it would be a worthy subject to talk about here with you. Afterall, it’s encouraging to talk about difficult things with positive outlooks. If you stick with me here, you’ll see the importance of cookies in this endeavor. Smile.
The reason for today’s post is because for the last several years, life has been a sequence of big changes for me. Ones I never saw coming and that I frankly never thought would happen. That quote above by John O’Donohue, it speaks of big things. When I read it, I think about what it really means to disturb the sense of safety we may have settled into. It’s fascinating because safety is something I feel most humans are naturally wired to seek out. For good reason. Even if we are daring, the kind of people who want to experience it all and may even feel a sense of duty to take risks, at the end of the day, I believe we all want to feel safe. So that we can go out again the next day and push ourselves in whatever way feels right. So to clarify, safety is a good thing. I want safety too. Especially when it comes to my loved ones and the tender hearts beating inside our chests. I hope for good things, genuine care, and gentle experiences in all these aspects.
But, someday, you may wake up and realize that your efforts to seek a safe life have unintentionally left you feeling stuck. When this happens, it may feel really really big. Too big. That is when it comes in handy to have some tools at your disposal. Because if you make the courageous decision to confront and deal with those big, confusing feelings, your experience is going to depend on what’s in your heart, what’s in your mind and what is in the core, which I believe to be your soul. I will share with you some of the tools I have found to be the most useful a little further down in this post.
I’d like to share a small snapshot of my personal experience these past few years, not because it feels comfortable to me. It does not. But this year, I finally figured out the reason for why I keep trying to do this thing called writing. It is to comfort, assure, and soothe others. That is what writers like John O’Donohue have done for me, so I know it is valid and important to keep at it. And it makes me feel good too.
A few years ago, my husband and I lovingly separated. We didn’t realize it at first, but now after enough time has passed, we understand that this happened because we lost the sense of who we were as individuals and that was a huge, uncomfortable and at times, scary feeling. To have become so intertwined as a unit, where two become one, is resourceful and beneficial in many circumstances, but as a whole, we found out the hard way that it was not healthy. We need to be ourselves as it turns out so that we can live a life that is true.
Our life together had become untrue. Big, uncomfortable, disturbing questions became so loud within each of us, that we were forced to listen to them. Are we happy?
The feelings were so adamant that we could not help each other through them by staying together for the wrong reasons.
The result was that we did the brave thing and took time apart. Physical distance, living in separate cities time apart, to figure it out. It wasn’t easy but it was essential. There were plenty of confused, hurt feelings. Times of the sense of abandonment and wondering why this happened, and what had we done wrong? We loved each other and it was weird to go through this. I think we’d been going through it for a very long time. Hiding what was really in our hearts. Not wanting to hurt each other and not wanting to make things unnecessarily difficult for not just ourselves but everyone else in our lives.
Whew, that’s a lot to carry around. We were not happy people.
So why did we do it? We did it because even though we weren’t feeling great with each other, we felt safe. We ignored our inner voices because at least we knew what to expect from the other. We were always good partners in many ways. Life is hard and it helps to do it with someone else. We knew we loved each other, so we thought we were supposed to stick it out no matter what. Even if some really important things were missing.
Somewhere in this block of time, I had some really delicious, comforting Chinese food. At the end of the delicious, comforting meal came the fortune cookie. Think about it. We eat our food. Our bellies feel satisfied. We have fulfilled one of our basic needs for the day which is to sustain our life through nourishment. Things are good. And then comes the blessing. The fortune inside the cookie. Even the cookie gives us a small amount of joy because it is slightly sweet but not too sweet. It is balanced. That is when we receive the message meant for us. My fortune that night was: Do what is right, not what you should.
I took these words to heart because I needed them so badly. When you no longer want to share your entire life with someone you have loved for most of your life, you need something from somewhere. Something that feels like it was sent to you. That’s what those words were to me.
So, I made the hard but necessary decision to listen to what was deep within my heart. Even if it made no sense to anyone else. Even if it confused and hurt people I care about. I did what was right, because deep down, I knew what was wrong. It was wrong to stay in a safe situation that for years had left me feeling unfulfilled. I moved out on my own, for the first time in my life, to learn about who I am as an individual. It is what is right for me. I encourage you to find out what is right for you. The good news is that life will take each of us through our own journey in the right timing. Never worry that your experience seems so different from anyone else’s. Your journey is meant for you as an individual. What I will say is that along the way, it is each of our responsibility to play an active role in the journey. That is how we hold up our end of the deal. Sometimes, playing an active role will look like quiet reflection. Sometimes, it will look like fumbling around without direction, and sometimes it will look like finally finding your mark. My advice is to please not berate yourself. Be forgiving. Keep trying. Be lovingly stubborn about it. And for me at least, the greatest thing is to remember to be thankful. Always, always give thanks. Even if it is for the simple fact that you are breathing.
I said I’d share the tools that helped me get on the right path. Honestly, I only offer these in case something resonates with you. We are all such individuals and that is beautiful. Take what you want and leave the rest for someone else.
-Practice yoga, find the specialty that works for you. I love kundalini.
-Study how to let go of ego/fear-based reactions. This takes time but is life-changing.
-Find quiet time but not isolation. I’ve done both. Please don’t isolate yourselves.
-Comfort yourself Every Day! Whether it’s family, friend, animal, music, book, art, nature, food, exercise, etc. Interact with something positive that brings you joy for at least a few minutes each day. Especially on the days when you feel like nothing matters. I’ve had these days. I’m genuinely sorry if you are having them too. These are temporary feelings. They will come and go. It’s okay. When you feel like this, you feel completely alone. I know. But the fact is that you’re not. Somewhere out there, someone is feeling the same. Someone is getting through the hard times. Someone wants to be there for you in this exact moment. Someone is eventually smiling again. You can be that person too.
-Take a trip to somewhere new and see the good, kind hardworking people out there.
-Eat the cookie, believe in the fortune.
-Keep an open heart.
-Learn the gentle lesson.
-Give thanks.
With love,
Carlene
CARLENE LOVE FLORES 