“Lovers don’t finally meet somewhere, they’re in each other all along.” ~Rumi
Practicing self-love helps us in many ways. It is an essential starting point to our overall well-being. But, when it comes to encountering and wading through the heavy feeling of loneliness, we might feel ourselves needing more.
When I read Rumi’s quote, I don’t interpret it as just a statement of self-love, as many do. His words are also a reminder that another being, a part of another’s soul or spirit or energy, someone or something who is not us, but other than us, who is deeply connected to us, is with us at all times.
One who we know and love.
One we adore in addition to the adoration we have for ourselves.
One who adores us back.
Even if we don’t fully understand how that kind of connection can be when the human being is not physically with us.
It took a while, but I finally understand what people mean when they say you have to love yourself before others can love you. For the longest time, I just couldn’t make sense of that. So many people in our lives love us whether we love ourselves or not. But that isn’t what they mean. This is:
Without self-love first, it can be difficult to allow yourself to open up and be loved in the way you want by others.
Now this, I have found to be completely true.
Which is okay, it just means we get to devote some of our life journey to finding out what we like and what makes us happy. Some call this self-discovery “work”, but if that makes you shy away from doing it, just call it something else, like I did.
It’s just “nice time I’m putting into my own discovery”. That sounds much better to me, and I am willing and happy to do that. (For the record, I love work. I like putting in the time and effort it takes to complete something, especially if it benefits others too. Work gives us purpose which is also essential to our good health and happiness. But what I don’t necessarily look forward to is when something feels more like an impossible chore. Which for a long time, the work of self-awareness became for me.)
Once we get comfortable loving and accepting ourselves, our lives change in small and subtle ways until one day we wake up and see how cool and precious we are. No matter our age or difficulties, or how many times we’ve messed up or fallen short in the past, none of that erases “us”.
Love your whole self.
It’s a love we should never go back on once we figure out how to do it. It’s always there, available to us. Feeling that love for ourselves is true, deep and powerful.
It’s natural to be disappointed when we fall short. But, Never unlove yourself.
Even when you fall down, or relapse back into a moment of old thought patterns that don’t make you feel good at all. (I did this last night.) Get up and love that you got up! Pray. Remind yourself of the truth. Go back to the love. (This is what I’m doing right now.)
Doing this doesn’t always feel easy, but it feels better than not doing it.
You may be like me and still don’t understand: after all these years of mindfulness, inner-work and self-love, why do I sometimes still fall? (It’s because we’re human. It’s okay.) Why do we still find ourselves feeling lonely sometimes even after we’ve learned to love ourselves? (Because there is always room for growth and improvement. That’s why we’re still here.) Not an intermittent sense of loneliness but a deep and profound loneliness. (I’m still working on this, but I’ve got some ideas.)
Perhaps it is because once you feel the beauty of true love, you want that for and from All of your loved ones, All The Time.
Because we are each on our own journeys, it can hurt when this doesn’t happen. People will show up as they are able to and that is a good thing. We need to honor where they are at. This helps us learn patience and compassion. This is why I find it helpful to remember that the love of others IS there inside you, especially that very unique and true love you were created with. If it’s still hard to actually FEEL this, just start telling yourself it’s true. Tell yourself it’s true until you believe it.
Ask yourself: What does the most beautiful, amazing, supportive, tender, affectionate, joyful love you can imagine sound like to you? Call it that. Make something up that suits you. (If it helps, remember: I am doing all of these same things with you, which means thousands, possibly millions of people are also doing these things, just like you and me.)
Remember Rumi’s quote again:
“Lovers don’t finally meet somewhere, they’re in each other all along.” ~Rumi.
My love is with me at all times in soul and spirit. This is an undeniable true feeling. Let’s cherish it.
It’s important to say here that I hope you don’t feel strange or silly or even like it’s a mental disruption to have this in your heart and soul. The power of our beliefs is substantial, our thoughts and feelings create our reality, and I encourage you to embrace this as a gift.
When we keep our hearts and minds open to the vastness of the universe and God’s unmatched magic and love, things you might have given up on or have become discouraged about can start to breathe again. Like when they did when we were little, and our hearts, minds and capacities were huge!
One important thing is not to bog the magic down with our expectations. The more open we are (even though it can feel quite vulnerable), the easier it can be for the surprises to flow.
When you think about your love, whether they be in spirit or a human person in your life, what does your happiest day with them look like? Guess what? The universe is so miraculous that it can bring things or moments into your life that are far beyond even your best imaginings. Tell yourself right now: I am open to life’s best and most surprising blessings.
Start seeing this. Let these happy feelings from envisioning and saying this, bubble up in your heart. Let it show on your face in a smile.
My favorite coffee mug is one that says, “Live the life you imagine”.
Everything can be new again if you can see it that way. If you can’t make everything exactly the way you want it right this moment, start small. Go somewhere or do something that makes you happy. A movie, a favorite walk in the neighborhood, watch the sun rise or set. Water and talk to your plant or your pet. Accomplish a small task at work that makes you proud of your abilities. Make yourself a sandwich and don’t skimp on the good stuff. Whatever it is for you, do it. A few minutes to a couple hours of this each day will start to build this life you imagine.
My happiest day with my love looks like holding hands, working hard together, being kind together, slow dancing while cooking together, and stealing kisses everywhere we go.
When sad days sneak up on me (and they do) it is often when these things aren’t happening, and it is too much for my tender human heart to handle.
But then I pray, and I can feel someone praying with me.
This inner feeling helps me understand what people mean when they say our souls know everything about us and it’s just that our human minds have a hard time making sense of that part of us. It also helps me make a tangible connection to the belief that we are all connected. That connection is through our souls.
Something extraordinary is happening all the time. Think about this: We and our other halves, our loves, already know each other in the most beautiful and intimate ways. This is on the soul level, even if our human-selves don’t understand or feel it as clearly. It is there and it is part of our existence. So there’s no need to worry about being abandoned or let down by it.
This is true intimacy.
I just realized while writing this that maybe it’s not being lonely. Maybe it’s just longing. Longing isn’t too bad, if you think about it. Remember, we can always change the word and the meaning since words are ours to choose.
Lonely can become Longing which can become Looking Forward To.
It’s good to look forward to the day when we show up for each other in the wonderful ways that we long for. While we’re looking forward to those days and moments, we can enjoy the other wonderful things in our lives that perhaps when we thought we were just utterly lonely, we shut down on. We can enjoy our lives right now, as we look forward to other good days to come.
I will leave these thoughts with you. Make them into what feels good for you. We are all different, which means there are a million different ways to feel good. Find yours and welcome that into your life so that your body, mind and soul can begin to recognize more and more what it feels like to be happy. The more you invite these good feelings of love and happiness in, the more easily they will be able to find you in return. You’ll be creating a pattern and a roadmap for them. When you have upsets or setbacks, remember those are TEMPORARY and a part of the balance of your life. Keep coming back to the love.
Thank you to Rumi for bravely sharing in such touching ways through his words what he knew to be true, perhaps even without what others might call proof.
A few more quotes to help with these feelings:
“If you knew who walked beside you at all times, on the path that you have chosen, you could never experience fear or doubt again.” ~Wayne Dyer
“Ta Bron Orm. Sadness is on me.” (I am not sad, it is just that sadness is on me right now, but something better and different will be on me soon.) ~Irish saying to convey that feelings of sadness are temporary.
“Everybody, life is beautiful, life is good. Just have to work hard, be kind. Fighting. Everyone.” ~Xiao Dejun
“Trust that your soul has a plan and even if you can’t see it all, know that everything will unfold as it is meant to.” ~Deepak Chopra
“I don’t want you to come so you can complete me. I want you to come and join me, because I am complete.” ~Carlene Love Flores
The words below were whispered to my soul as I wrote this post:
I promise you, I am already here.
CARLENE LOVE FLORES 
Good Advice “)